A Christmas Toast

The jingle of a bell,
A fire-side Christmas tale,
And a cup filled with warmth and love;
This is how I imagine this time of year
But then I remember,
That it is every other day,
Not troubled with tradition,
That I enjoy the most.
So if I were to make a Christmas toast,
It would be to the days between
The 26th and the 24th of December,
For those are the days
I love to remember.

Completing the Cycle

Through a teardrop
One sees the world
Upside down -
The sadness inside
Makes life a blur;
It can hide happy thoughts,
And twist the mind in knots
It can’t find its way out of.
Neither with eyes open nor closed
Can one see what lies ahead.

But imagine it instead
As a raindrop
Sent from a cloud
To complete the Cycle
Of ups and downs –
Essential to sustaining life.
Without its occasional presence
One can not be,
Nor see as clearly
The bright colors of others.

Christmas Day

Christmas is a time for giving and receiving, loving and being loved, laughing and crying – oh, maybe that last part is just me. This year, I have had my ups and downs with Christmas Day. I was more emotional than I can remember being in a while. There are a number of reasons this may be true. For one, I spent more time alone this year than I ever have on Christmas Day. I didn’t realize it bothered me until I saw my parents getting ready to leave to go to a family friend’s house for dinner and my eyes welled up with tears. I was also upset, because I was thinking about how they are leaving tomorrow to go to Florida with another part of my family. I chose long ago not to go, because I wanted time to see my other friends. I didn’t think about the fact that this means I will only get to see my parents a total of about five days over Christmas break. Tonight, I was too sick to go with them and be merry, and I hate when sick people attend events and get those around them ill also. So I stayed home.

Apparently, Kaylee, my mom’s Yorkie, also didn’t like being left alone, so she stayed with me in my bed for the five hours my parents were gone. I didn’t want to be needy and ask my parents to cut their visit short, so I tried to keep myself entertained with various Nook apps and by catching up on TV shows I had missed. I already felt guilty this Christmas because I didn’t make enough time to be my mom enough presents. She is so sweet to me; all throughout the year, when she sees something she thinks I will like, she buys it for me and saves it for Christmas. I, of course, wait until November before I even begin thinking about what to buy her and everyone else. I ended up getting her a fairly nice pair of earrings with the intention of finding something else for her later, but by the time I look for something (close to last minute), I can’t find a single thing that is worth getting for her. I told her before Christmas that I want to buy her something else after Christmas, but it’s still not the same as her being able to open it and be surprised. My gifts are the only ones that surprise her, since she buys the gifts that Dad “gives” her.

After we had all opened presents tonight, I sat there crying once again. My overuse of tissues was masked by my terrible cold, fortunately, so no one knew. One trick I have learned is if you’re about to cry and tears are just about to stream down your face, take a drink of whatever drink you have near you. Sip it slowly and it calms the wave. If you don’t have a drink, well, then just hide your face and let if flow, or walk away; I’m talking about being near the point of no return here. So there I was, sitting in my chair surrounded by thoughtful presents from my mom, crying for the second time today. And not the kind that makes you feel better, the kind that you suppress and just wait for it to sneak up on you quickly later for not letting it out when it wanted to get out. I always suppress my tears if I can help it, which I usually can, because for some reason I absolutely hate crying. Which I know, basically means, I just hate showing any kind of weakness. I also hate being sick for the same reason. I will never admit to being bad at anything, it’s always just that I’m not trying my hardest. It’s not the best way to go about things, I assure you.

So now I’m at this point, getting my feelings out on paper, hoping they won’t stream down my pace at an embarrassing rate. I’m sorry for the lack of Christmas cheer. Christmas Eve was wonderful and I’m sure tomorrow will be, too, along with New Year’s Eve and Day. Everybody’s allowed to have one sad day, right?

Lost in the Music - this will be spoken word!

Today I got lost in the music
And I found myself
In a sea of notes
Wishing I could but quote
One of the greats

I hoped to
Invoke a single muse
But could find none of theirs
From which to choose
And then found myself at an impasse
In the form of bleeding fingers
Bleeding a love of art
A beautiful bloody start
To new creation

I let go and let myself
Believe in fabrication
Just to exercise my imagination
To embrace reality
Is to accept fatality
And maybe I’m lacking morality
To say that sometimes
The lies are better

I begged the notes
Not to leave me alone
With my lies
Knowing that any second
The music would die
And leave me to choke
On the words that
Provoked me to lie to myself
In the first place

What an empty space
This room full of silence
Making me wish
For any presence
Or at least for
Senescence
So I can forget
What I’m missing

Book Update!

This seems to have become a poetry blog! I apologize if you aren't a big poetry fan, but that's what I had time to do during the school year and it is a great creative outlet for me. And I kind of don't apologize at all, because I love writing poems. Some of my poems are completely creative and not about me at all, but I would say most of them at least stem from a truth in my life. Sometimes, the whole poem comes from what I'm actually feeling and by being abstract, I get to hide my feelings while still being completely and totally honest to the public. It's definitely a release for me in that aspect.

But poetry is beside the point; today we are discussing my novel! Which I am going to finish this summer. That's the goal. Then I will have the school year to edit and meet some publishers and figure out where to go next. I wrote 3,000 words today! I really didn't want to stop writing, but life happens and I had some other things to do. I will probably write some more tonight. I'm starting to feel as addicted to writing this novel as I usually get to reading a good book. That's exciting for me, because hopefully, that means that someday soon it will be a book that other people get addicted to reading. I can't wait for the first person to tell me that they stayed up all night reading my book. I set lofty goals, but I am just hopeful.

I've decided to set my weekly writing goal, since I don't think daily will work for me, at 8,000 words. I can go above that, but I need to meet that each week so that I will be looking at a novel by the end of the summer. I will be working at a camp this summer as a counselor and during all my down time, I will have to write. That will be a challenge for me, but I'm excited about it. It's not supposed to be easy or everyone would do it, right?

My book outline is more extensive than before. The characters all have names and sketches and they are taking shape nicely in the book so far. I have lots of surprises and twists up my sleeve. I really wish I could relay how excited I am about this. I wish I could trade sleeping for writing. I love the portion I wrote today, since things are finally starting to happen. I'm about to get to the beginning of the main plot and it's going to be fun.

So, anyway, that's the update on the book. You guys better start being my friends now. Don't start claiming me when I'm famous! People will start hearing about my book by July 4, 2012. Mark the date :)

More to come! Keep reading, readers!

My Sun

The sun waited to slip below the horizon
Until I let him go.

I didn’t want to see him leave
But he promised
He would come back to me.
He paints me a new picture every evening,
Just before the moon comes
To see the ones she loves.

Every year,
We fall in love again;
For a few months,
He stays later than usual,
And I have trouble saying, “Goodnight,”
But I know it means
There will be bright smiles somewhere else.

He kisses my cheeks,
Bathing me in affection all throughout the day,
Leaving remnants of his love
Across my face
That will stay with me
Day and night
For all of my life.

And when the time comes,
With one sweet sigh,
The warmth slowly fading,
I have faith I will see his light on in the morning,
When he has come home to me.

Mt. Everest

Ever on the Rise

I strive to be like Queen Everest
Who, at the peak of fame,
When everyone knows her name,
With no question who is best,
Keeps rising more each year,
Proving to all that she can reach
Higher than the sky.
Being the best isn’t enough;
Majestic, beautiful,
Not the result of luck.
She admits to being well placed
In this vast space
And appreciates
The clouds that surround her
So calm and so sure,
Always aware of their purpose,
Creating heaven’s surface,
And the higher she gets,
The higher she knows she can go.
She knows she can make
Her own hole in the ozone, so
Climb to the top with care,
Those of you that dare,
Because few can handle
Being on her level,
Which keeps rising,
With Earth’s chest,
As Mother Nature takes
One continuous deep breath.
If you have the patience
To watch her rise,
Be wise enough to know
Not everything she does is for the prize;
It’s just so she can find
Her limits,
No matter how high.

School-boy Heaven

I once had a dream that heaven was a school;
There were desks and blackboards
And uniforms of dark blue.
Your eyes met mine and I knew it was you,
But in your youthful form,
You didn’t know my words were true
When I said I belonged to you.
And though I had no real reason to prove,
I pleaded for you to believe,
And when you wouldn’t take me seriously,
I asked you how you came to be
So far away from me and in this place.
Your laughter made me smile
You pulled jokes from your dear old file
And I was content to see
That even though you didn’t know me,
You had been happy for a while.
I told you who I was and went on my way
Letting you play in heaven recess all day.

I twice had a dream that heaven was a school,
But this time you were gone in real life
And in my vision, too.
When your eyes met mine,
Hot tears streamed down my cheeks
Tying my dreams with my reality.
Youth-filled you looked at me,
Not taking my cries too seriously
Until I called you daddy
And told you that I had been here for before
And asked why you left me on Earth’s lonely floor
To fend for myself without you.
Recognition filled your eyes
And with a hug
You sent me back to where time flies
And moments are fleeting and filled with lies.
I will join you someday - in your school-boy world;
Save me the swing next to you
For our eternal recess in the sky so blue.

Night rhymes for no reason

Unoriginality
Here's an unoriginal verse for you
About how you make the world anew
About your smile
Warming me like the sun
Making my heartstrings come undone

Here's a predictable rhyme
For how I love to spend my time
Thinking of you
Appreciating just how much
I get to feel your tingling touch

I may not be creative
In explaining how I live
Entangled with you
Being original makes no difference
When love is just an instance

Sorry
I'm sorry I made you love me
I'm sorry I did it twice.
I'm sorry I made you love me
It wasn't very nice.

Don't hate me all your life.
Or even all of mine.
Life is too short to hate to love
So let's pretend it's fine

Don't hit me with that hammer
Or I'll club you with my heart
At least you will feel it -
Like you wanted from the start

But I'm sorry I made you love me
Because now I love you, too
I'm sorry I made you love me
And I wish those words were true.

Seasoned
Raindrops on my window
Thunder in my chest
I should have known
Lightening would be the test

You looked up at me with sunlight
Spring fresh on your breath
I should have known
Your ocean's never-ending depth

But I didn't see this coming
Like wind in the fall
And now my leaves are turning
There's pollen on us all.

Mistakes 
Hush.
The baby's crying.
He doesn't know you're here.

Quiet.
They might see us.
Don't stand so very near.

Stop.
It's gone too far.
We've done something to fear.

Look.
He's got a knife.
You shouldn't have come here.

Leave.
I can't be with you.
I'm wiping this conscience clear.

Don't forget
Don't forget me when you leave,
Or soon, I won't exist.
Don't forget I'm still your person
Even when someone else is.
Don't forget I loved you first,
Well, that's not true at all.
Don't forget I loved you best,
I've made such a long fall.
Don't forget the lies I told
But know that they weren't true.
Don't forget my life is different
Each day that misses you.
Don't forget I didn't leave
Now your reasons are a blur.
Don't forget that I'm here
And it's as if you never were.
Don't forget that I'm a liar
And nothing I say has proof.
Especially, don't forget that I love you.
Fortune was never so aloof.

Magic Words
Words flow through like magic,
Enchanted wand and all.
They sing rhythmic music
With notes that never fall.
So much solace they provide
While I'm staring at the wall.
Surrounding me in phrases,
Many lofty and some small.
I'm never alone with words
And so, I cherish every call.
My ear is now so keen
Listening for their order tall
But it never is a bother
To create, share, enthrall;
Sing to me all night, Words.
I want to hear them all.

Late night poem antics

Inside My Head

You can be my sunshine or my rain.

Lost love drizzles down to the pane.

I want to touch it, but I can't

Here in my inner-head rant...

Sometimes, I get lost in here;

It's so cluttered with fear.

It reminds me just how it is

To be stuck like this.

Dust has gathered thick

Since my last disappearing trick.

I feel like a secret spy

When I rifle through secret file "Why?"

Like I shouldn't be here now,

And it makes me wonder how

I ever got there in the first place.

I try not to ask questions anymore. 

I realize I'm in a revolving door

When I reflect on the past.

It's time to remove my cast. 

I push myself back to today

Knowing that now, it's okay.

I'm healed, even if not the same.

Time to catch the drizzles on my pane. 

Expressionism

My face is your canvas,

And your art is my expression. 

Brush away the teary imperfections

Before the colors run

Into a puddle of regrets

You have to avoid stepping on.

Don't place me in your gallery, 

But on your favorite wall. 

Keep the lights turned on, 

Or the smile you painted will fall. 

As of now, we don't exist. 

We are just a figment of the mind.

No one can see us

Until we are defined. 

Just separate colors on a pallet

Never to be entwined. 

Calendar on the Wall

The calendar pages jump

When I'm turned around.

In shock, I scold them;

Then they make no sound.

I need more time

To try not to fail. 

Stop shaping my life

To no clear avail. 

The calendar pages jump

No matter my plight. 

I should start praying

That time treats me right.

For Hannah 

I tried to pick up your heart, 

But it was too heavy to bear.

So, I left it outside my door

Hoping it would still be there.

Oh wait, that was you

Being so careless with mine. 

I know now not to trust the words, 

"We are just fine."

So, I wanted to give back

A thing you left or two.

Here's your big heaping pile of

No-one-gives-a-shit-what-happens-to-you. 

Book Update

Okay, everyone. I haven't gotten as far on the book as I would like, but I'm happy with what I have! And this semester, I only have classes two days a week; hopefully, I will be able to work on the book on my days off. That's the plan anyway! Wish me luck! I'll update you when there's more!  
- The Aspiring Author