The jingle of a bell,
A fire-side Christmas tale,
And a cup filled with warmth and love;
This is how I imagine this time of year
But then I remember,
That it is every other day,
Not troubled with tradition,
That I enjoy the most.
So if I were to make a Christmas toast,
It would be to the days between
The 26th and the 24th of December,
For those are the days
I love to remember.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Completing the Cycle
Through a teardrop
One sees the world
Upside down -
The sadness inside
Makes life a blur;
It can hide happy thoughts,
And twist the mind in knots
It can’t find its way out of.
Neither with eyes open nor closed
Can one see what lies ahead.
But imagine it instead
As a raindrop
Sent from a cloud
To complete the Cycle
Of ups and downs –
Essential to sustaining life.
Without its occasional presence
One can not be,
Nor see as clearly
The bright colors of others.
One sees the world
Upside down -
The sadness inside
Makes life a blur;
It can hide happy thoughts,
And twist the mind in knots
It can’t find its way out of.
Neither with eyes open nor closed
Can one see what lies ahead.
But imagine it instead
As a raindrop
Sent from a cloud
To complete the Cycle
Of ups and downs –
Essential to sustaining life.
Without its occasional presence
One can not be,
Nor see as clearly
The bright colors of others.
Christmas Day
Christmas is a time for giving and receiving, loving and being loved, laughing and crying – oh, maybe that last part is just me. This year, I have had my ups and downs with Christmas Day. I was more emotional than I can remember being in a while. There are a number of reasons this may be true. For one, I spent more time alone this year than I ever have on Christmas Day. I didn’t realize it bothered me until I saw my parents getting ready to leave to go to a family friend’s house for dinner and my eyes welled up with tears. I was also upset, because I was thinking about how they are leaving tomorrow to go to Florida with another part of my family. I chose long ago not to go, because I wanted time to see my other friends. I didn’t think about the fact that this means I will only get to see my parents a total of about five days over Christmas break. Tonight, I was too sick to go with them and be merry, and I hate when sick people attend events and get those around them ill also. So I stayed home.
Apparently, Kaylee, my mom’s Yorkie, also didn’t like being left alone, so she stayed with me in my bed for the five hours my parents were gone. I didn’t want to be needy and ask my parents to cut their visit short, so I tried to keep myself entertained with various Nook apps and by catching up on TV shows I had missed. I already felt guilty this Christmas because I didn’t make enough time to be my mom enough presents. She is so sweet to me; all throughout the year, when she sees something she thinks I will like, she buys it for me and saves it for Christmas. I, of course, wait until November before I even begin thinking about what to buy her and everyone else. I ended up getting her a fairly nice pair of earrings with the intention of finding something else for her later, but by the time I look for something (close to last minute), I can’t find a single thing that is worth getting for her. I told her before Christmas that I want to buy her something else after Christmas, but it’s still not the same as her being able to open it and be surprised. My gifts are the only ones that surprise her, since she buys the gifts that Dad “gives” her.
After we had all opened presents tonight, I sat there crying once again. My overuse of tissues was masked by my terrible cold, fortunately, so no one knew. One trick I have learned is if you’re about to cry and tears are just about to stream down your face, take a drink of whatever drink you have near you. Sip it slowly and it calms the wave. If you don’t have a drink, well, then just hide your face and let if flow, or walk away; I’m talking about being near the point of no return here. So there I was, sitting in my chair surrounded by thoughtful presents from my mom, crying for the second time today. And not the kind that makes you feel better, the kind that you suppress and just wait for it to sneak up on you quickly later for not letting it out when it wanted to get out. I always suppress my tears if I can help it, which I usually can, because for some reason I absolutely hate crying. Which I know, basically means, I just hate showing any kind of weakness. I also hate being sick for the same reason. I will never admit to being bad at anything, it’s always just that I’m not trying my hardest. It’s not the best way to go about things, I assure you.
So now I’m at this point, getting my feelings out on paper, hoping they won’t stream down my pace at an embarrassing rate. I’m sorry for the lack of Christmas cheer. Christmas Eve was wonderful and I’m sure tomorrow will be, too, along with New Year’s Eve and Day. Everybody’s allowed to have one sad day, right?
Apparently, Kaylee, my mom’s Yorkie, also didn’t like being left alone, so she stayed with me in my bed for the five hours my parents were gone. I didn’t want to be needy and ask my parents to cut their visit short, so I tried to keep myself entertained with various Nook apps and by catching up on TV shows I had missed. I already felt guilty this Christmas because I didn’t make enough time to be my mom enough presents. She is so sweet to me; all throughout the year, when she sees something she thinks I will like, she buys it for me and saves it for Christmas. I, of course, wait until November before I even begin thinking about what to buy her and everyone else. I ended up getting her a fairly nice pair of earrings with the intention of finding something else for her later, but by the time I look for something (close to last minute), I can’t find a single thing that is worth getting for her. I told her before Christmas that I want to buy her something else after Christmas, but it’s still not the same as her being able to open it and be surprised. My gifts are the only ones that surprise her, since she buys the gifts that Dad “gives” her.
After we had all opened presents tonight, I sat there crying once again. My overuse of tissues was masked by my terrible cold, fortunately, so no one knew. One trick I have learned is if you’re about to cry and tears are just about to stream down your face, take a drink of whatever drink you have near you. Sip it slowly and it calms the wave. If you don’t have a drink, well, then just hide your face and let if flow, or walk away; I’m talking about being near the point of no return here. So there I was, sitting in my chair surrounded by thoughtful presents from my mom, crying for the second time today. And not the kind that makes you feel better, the kind that you suppress and just wait for it to sneak up on you quickly later for not letting it out when it wanted to get out. I always suppress my tears if I can help it, which I usually can, because for some reason I absolutely hate crying. Which I know, basically means, I just hate showing any kind of weakness. I also hate being sick for the same reason. I will never admit to being bad at anything, it’s always just that I’m not trying my hardest. It’s not the best way to go about things, I assure you.
So now I’m at this point, getting my feelings out on paper, hoping they won’t stream down my pace at an embarrassing rate. I’m sorry for the lack of Christmas cheer. Christmas Eve was wonderful and I’m sure tomorrow will be, too, along with New Year’s Eve and Day. Everybody’s allowed to have one sad day, right?
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