My Magic Mind

When I was a child, my mind made the world magical. I'm not saying that the world was a magical place through my young and innocent eyes. In fact, the world proved itself to be harsh and unloving to me every time I started to think it might not be so bad. But my mind was my source of magic. It told me to believe in anything that made me feel happy. It knew that I could not make the terrible things happening go away, so it made the world more carefree whenever it could.

My mind taught me to fly. When no one else was around to see me or take my magic away from me, I floated, lifted by nothing more than the air and my endless belief. I never left the boundaries of my room, or even ventured further from the ground than I would be okay with falling, but somehow, my mind allowed me to break the basic laws of physics. And I knew this. I was grateful for the opportunity to do it, for in those moments I was not weighed down by the drugs and the alcohol and the sex and the impossibility of depending on adults. I was not even weighed down by the clothes on my body or my all-to-often heavy heart. I was just a part of the air. I became the molecules of oxygen and hydrogen and nitrogen and lied among the peaceful vales with them. While they shared their being and their space with me, I shared my senses with them so that they could know what it is like to be not within a living organism as they so often are, but to be one. I cherished my mind for this magic. I knew I could only experience these moments when there was no chance of being seen by another, for one can almost be certain they would not understand my idea of tranquility.

When I could not fly free of my thoughts, accompanied only by my mind and the air, I sought out the sensation of doing so and enjoyed those moments also. They were much shorter and more exhilarating, as I had to actively hunt for them. I found these feelings in many places. Sometimes, when riding my bicycle down a large hill, for just a moment I would close my eyes and feel the air that I was not one with rush past me, as it tried to stay in place, as it so likes to do. During the few opportunities I received to jump on a trampoline, for a few seconds while suspended in the air, my heart beating fast from my search, I would find the part of a second at the end of my upward momentum and just before the beginning of the downward nudge of gravity.

Both of these findings only allowed me to feel a small portion of the lightness I felt when I was only depending on the magic of my mind, which I have learned is the only thing I will always have with me. With a mind like mine, one cannot even fear senility, for perhaps it will make me just weightless enough to become one with the air again.